Finding Space
Reflecting on a fortunate mental detour to Florida
I’ve been in Florida for the past week visiting my roommate from college. The weather is great and he lives on a golf course, so life has been pretty good here. We work, golf nine holes, eat dinner and then sleep — it’s very simple. Even so, there have been days where I check my computer or phone at the end of the day got me a little worked up - the issues of my real-life pop back up: things to figure out at work, where to move at the end of the month, etc. So as I often do - before going to be I sat down to meditate. As I sat there, I realized that in Florida, as opposed to New York, I had so much more space — not just physically (obviously, golf courses are huge), but also mentally. Without even being aware of it, a lot of the issues my brain had been hung up on had resolved on their own.
There is a concept from the book The Headspace Guide to Meditation and Mindfulness that discusses finding the space past all the thinking in your brain. You sit and notice all these thoughts move around your head like little gnats. They kind of just appear - some are positive or happy thoughts, some are frustrating or saddening. The point of the exercise is to sit back and see the mental space beyond these thoughts. From this space, you can sit back and watch the thoughts like clouds passing in the sky.
I find it quite hard to do this while I’m in the city, especially while working from home — everything there is so immediate. If I’m not careful, my routine is to wake up, make coffee, check my phone, and immediately get sucked into the day. I’m sure some people can handle this, but I can’t. It takes a lot of time and effort to sit back and find this space. Additionally in the city, there is a lot of unnatural stimuli - everything is cramped, massive buildings are towering over you, people are walking at you like an endless game of human frogger and cement everywhere. The city is tons of fun, but it’s very hard to find space.
Florida can be similar to New York in its craziness - drivers speed in and out of lanes at a mind-boggling angles1. However, in its retirement nooks, there is definitely. Unintentionally, Florida has been a reminder of how helpful space can be. I am not a big golfer - I never had access to a course growing up and only really go now when my friends are going. However, I can totally see why golfers get the stereotype of avoiding responsibility—it’s a great way to fully focus on a task and take some space from one’s normal life2. Golf courses are inherently spacious.
With space, I’ve noticed my mind tends to settle down. The thoughts that seem to flutter around, slowly settle at the base of my mind. In the process of that happening, in whatever mysterious way the brain works, I notice myself start to make progress on some of the issues I’ve been thinking about. It’s become a joke at work that many of my best ideas and feature designs come when I’m hiking around. Space lets your mind calm down from a state of anxious analysis into one of relaxed thinking.
Of course, there are other ways to find space other than golfing - I would be screwed if that weren’t the case. As I mentioned previously, hiking is one that I prefer - my dad on the other hand finds it when kayaking. The problem is you can’t always be doing those things, especially when you are in a city like New York. This is where the process of trying to find the space in your head beyond all the thoughts is helpful. You sit there and try to let all those thoughts settle and realize that the feeling of golf or hiking or kayaking can be found anywhere. It’s not always easy - sometimes it takes a long time and often I give up before I find it, but the more I try, the clearer it becomes that it’s repeatable. Slowly, the thoughts settle down, and whatever state your nervous system is stuck in relaxes.
May is Mental Health Awareness month. I’ve been thinking about what I’ve wanted to write about since that’s a lot of what the blog discusses. I view my anxiety as like a tricky knee that tends to sprain.3 When I’m feeling anxious, it is as if I have tweaked my knee. I know something is not quite right, but generally, the answer is to rest. The challenge is how to rest - everything requires using your brain. This is why space is helpful: whether from golf, hiking, or meditating, I can sit back and watch my brain settle down. Slowly the thoughts will change from anxious to neutral or even happy. And it’s amazing how repeatable this is. I’m reminded of a quote often by the writer Anne Lamott:
“Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including you.”
If you don’t believe me, compare the Instagram accounts @whatisnewyork and @whatisfla.
My roommate and I had a lot of facetious conversations about how golf is a good metaphor for life. Surprisingly, many of the metaphors work: “the harder you swing, the more you’ll miss the ball”, “just keep the ball in play and don’t hit the water”, “it seems so simple, but it will make you feel like shit really quickly”, etc.
A friend pointed out once that many mental health issues are way more complicated than what I am discussing here. It is worth noting that there are people who have way more severe mental health issues, for whom it is even more challenging to maintain normalcy.
You are my James bond!!!!!